


His Name Is Benny You Uncultured Swine

by aenor_llelo, Alderous, BattleBlaze, Falrisesi, InvaluableOracle



Series: For A Diamond Is A Marveled Thing [18]
Category: Gravity Falls, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Greg Universe Is The Where's Waldo Of Exes, Hippie Tea, It Needs To Be Stopped Sometimes, Kids! They Break Laws, Love Potion Trope Is Dubcon For Cowards Can I Just Say That, Love Potion/Spell, Mildly Responsible Adults, Misunderstandings Of Comedically Incorrect Proportions, People Making Bad Medical Decisions, The "I Eat Kids" Balloon, The Power Of Mabel, There's Magic I Guess, These Kids Need A Therapist My Guy, Underage Drinking, Woodstick Festival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29497863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aenor_llelo/pseuds/aenor_llelo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alderous/pseuds/Alderous, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BattleBlaze/pseuds/BattleBlaze, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falrisesi/pseuds/Falrisesi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvaluableOracle/pseuds/InvaluableOracle
Summary: Robbie wants to feel a little normal.Wendy wants to feel a little less petty.Dipper would like to fit in.Mabel would like to have at leastonesuccessful romance under her belt.At least Uncle Az is back in town. That's nice, right?orPlease stop chugging Smile Dip in the festival port-a-potties.Sincerely, Woodstick Festival Staff.
Relationships: Tambry/Robbie Valentino, Wendy Corduroy & Robbie Valentino
Series: For A Diamond Is A Marveled Thing [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604959
Comments: 77
Kudos: 222





	1. Google Search- woodstick 2012

**Author's Note:**

> This work is part of a series and is written with the expectation you've read the previous parts. Do keep that in mind.

* * *

**Woodstick**

_This article is about the annual music and art festival. For other uses, see Woodstick (disambugation)._

Woodstick is an annual music festival held August 15-18 in Gravity Falls, Oregon. First organized in 1970 as a West Coast response to the original eastern Woodstock festival, it has since been billed as the spiritual successor of Woodstock, featuring western cultural icons like the White Hot Bell Peppers, Kerry Moonbeam, Edgy Triangle, Wood Grain on Everything, Boyz II Infantz, The Boodie Sisters, Fantana, and Voyage during its runtime. Originally held on August 13, 1970, subsequent festival dates were changed to coincide with the Woodstock anniversary. To register, please sign up at https://www.woodstickadmissions.com.

**Location**

Gravity Falls is a tourist town that derives most of its business from the scenic locale, tourist attractions, and large-scale events and festivals. Currently, there are no hotels in the town itself, but there is a smattering of motels and small cottages up for rent. The majority of tourism either does not consist of long-term stays or are camping travelers. Woodstick attendees typically either flood nearby towns for lodgings or arrive in campers. 

**Venue**

The primary stage of the festival is constructed over the Gravity Falls flea market, overlooked by Handwitch Mountain, and only about a 45 minute drive out of town. Utilizing much of the same stalls and vendors as the market, this setup is certified GreenWise and has strict anti-littering policies.

Although the flea market is billed as the official site of the festival, the entire surrounding town arranges itself to accommodate the event months in advance. This includes Woodstick apparel in stores and various showings of local artists in non-residential areas. Local venues also host side events to draw in festival attendees.

  
  


**Pricing**

Tickets are priced at $100 each, and as of 2010 are exclusively ordered online, with the exception of Gravity Falls itself. One ticket pays for the four full days of the event as well as campsite access (attendees have traditionally arrived by carpool and campers), and proof of ticket purchase often warrants discounts in local restaurants and entertainment venues.

**Album**

Every Woodstick festival has accompanied the release of an exclusive album featuring that year’s performances. These albums are only sold on-site and are considered extremely valuable collector’s items. Album covers feature the year’s winner for their Cover Art Contest, and the purchase includes a commemorative pin and tee-shirt. While it is not an official part of the purchase, albums are frequently signed by the year’s musical guests at attendee request.

The most expensive Woodstick album ever sold was a 1973 copy signed by Kerry Moonbeam, fetching an auction resale price of $55,000.

**Balloons**

Woodstick coincides with the Gravity Falls Sky Festival, an annual hot air balloon festival in which participants design and fly their creations across the blue horizons of the valley the town resides in. Attendees of the Sky Festival tend to also attend Woodstick, and vice versa, and both events are arranged to have compatible schedules. Tickets are priced at $30 a head, with various season pass options to choose from. For additional information, visit their website.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to Gravity Falls! I said _Hole Puncher_ wasn't gonna be the end, didn't I?


	2. Checking In With The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie is not a shut-in.

* * *

**(mufasa voice) SIMBA**

What’s the stitch

(also it’s me mr bingo bongo man)

how the Fuck are you texting me from space first of all

Rude

Do you talk to your wife like that

I would Never do that to steven

Fair enough

Also i’m back on planet lmao

What the Fuck are you doing on earth

Wait shit

I’m on A planet

Not earth

Touched back to ground so now i got

The Good Wi-fi to vibe back at earth

Ah

I am heading back to earth in like…

A Few days, though

Why tho

I’m hurt

Why Tho

No reason

(also steven told me to come back so

boss says yeet i guess)

Wow that was almost a coherent sentence

Thanks I've been practicing

Also fuck you

:)

(:

Excuse you that smiley face is Wrong

Fine fine lemme fix it

[:

I am vibrating with rage

[ { :

He has a nose now

I’m gonna diddly darn snap your neck

Too late for that

Didn’t work too well last time anyway

...wait shit really

Hahaha Y E A H

My twink spine cracked like a bitch baby

when i died

I May Have also popped an eye but boy howdy

don’t quote me on that, shit was starting to check out in

those last five seconds

Sounds festive

Popcorn back

My neck is a popcorn bag and that’s facts

Well now I know what to do the next time

I need to butter you up

:)

I’m gonna pretend i understand what the fuck that means

That’s nice dear

But anyway

How’s Shit

Not as shitty as it could be

My summer semester got fucking cancelled tho

rip my scheduling

Oh shit you’re NYU right

Was that like

Close to all the alien bullshit

A Bit, Yes

(Go Bobcats)

Connie are you okay???

What the fuck???

I completely forgot that shit happened in new york

Uy

I was a key contributor in the mountain of alien corpses

that you’re gonna see on the news

‘pparently they were toxic and shit too??

So we gonna burn ‘em

Y i k e s 

There were these flying whale snake fuckers

Like airplanes but horrible

Steven straight up bodied one right out of the sky

Which seemed to be a challenge to Hulk,

who then did like seven in a row??

I think iron man got one too

The fuck is an iron man

Wow you missed a LOT of shit huh

Don’t worry you’ll see that on the news too

Tang ina i am Not looking forward

To all the shit i apparently gotta catch up on

Unrelated (maybe)

But what are you even getting up to while

You’re waiting for school to get back up

Uhhhhhh

Stuff

And things

You’re english classes are really paying off

Yes fuck you too

I see yours aren’t

Ouch oof my little gay heart

Guess I’ll just speak the native tongue, then-

No wait come back i can’t speak tagalogogogogo

Well what do you want me to speak

Tamimmimimmiml

>:(

(:

You are a Shut In

You are a depressed e-girl shut in

Waiting for your classes to return from the war

I’ll have you know i went out two (2) times this week

Going to Steven’s doesn’t count

I am going with my Lovely wife to a Music Festival

Because i am cultured and Not Depressed

What Woodstock?

That’s like right down the road ain’t it

Woodstock happened like once in the 60s

Steven was doing some fuckery in the west coast and caught

Some local music festival nearby so we’re getting in on that

Where at?

Anyone i’d know? (hah hah probably not)

I mean sadie and the suspects are in town for it

Reunion concert, they’re pulling for charity cash

Oh sweet that’s dope

Greg’s Also gonna do some songs there

So steven’s pretty happy about that

Damn how long has it been since he’s

actually performed for a live audience

...i don’t even know

I think the last time he did concerts was in uuuuuuuh

80s

Like around when he met steven’s mom

Goddamn

Mans breaking out

Gotta put his good heels on

Ye

What was steven even doing in the east coast

Oh

Y’know ;)

What the fuck does that mean

;)))

I’m going to come back and kick you in the shins

May your kneecaps shatter in the attempt, twink

I’ll just take yours

* * *


	3. Hair Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper and Mabel just talk, that's all.

* * *

“So!” Mabel awkwardly swings her legs in her seat. “How did things go with Mom and Dad?”

Dipper pauses. “What do you mean?”

“You and Grunkle Ford were gonna hammer out your apprenticeship, right?”

She can talk about that. It’s not awkward.  _ It’s not. _ It’s not like he’s going away forever, just… somewhere else. For a while. ~~Without her, that’s all.~~

“ _ Yeah _ , about that.” Dipper laughs awkwardly. “Sounds like I’m heading back home with you after all.”

“Aw,  _ WHAT?  _ ”

“ _ Mabel, keep your head still- _ ”

“No no no.” Mabel whirls around to face him. “Don’t leave me hanging like that! This whole internship thing-”

“It’s an  _ apprenticeship _ ,” Dipper corrects.

“And it’s been, like,  _ your life _ ever since it came up,” Mabel points out. “You’re not gonna just let it  _ go _ like that, are you?”

“I’m not letting it  _ go _ ,” Dipper elaborates. “Just… putting it off for a bit. Mom and Dad want me to finish middle school before switching out.”

“Oh.” Mabel slowly turns back around. “I guess that makes sense. They’re gonna have to deal with Jives  _ all _ year, though,” she adds with a grin.

“They’re gonna have to deal with  _ Waddles _ all year,” Dipper shoots back. “Also, your hair is done." He shakes the last bits of hair off his scissors. "Go check it in like a mirror or something.”

Needing no more permission, Mabel shrugs off her hair cape and bounces off to the bathroom, smacking her face as she checks the mirror.  “Did you really need to chop  _ that _ much off?” Mabel skeptically asks as she paws through her long pixie cut.

“Your hair was kind of fucked up,” Dipper apologetically explains. “I think it got torn when you were running in the woods from- y’know.” He coughs into his fist. “Dead guy dorito.”

Neither of them say anything for a while.

“Do you think he can still see us?” Mabel wonders. “I mean.  _ Wherever _ he is.”

“I dunno,” Dipper admits.

Mabel huffs a bit of fog onto the mirror before drawing a triangle with her fingers.

Dipper silently adds an eye in the middle.

With that, they both graciously flip the drawing off before rubbing it away.

“Good fucking riddance,” Dipper mutters.

Mabel thumbs at her sweater. “It’s actually a really good haircut,” she finally says. “When did you get so good at that?”

“I used to cut my own hair,” Dipper answers. “Before I came out. Still do.”

“I always thought Mom and Dad were weirdly chill about letting your hair be cut short.”

“I was too nervous to ask for a haircut, so I did it myself.” Dipper tugs down his hat. “Started using the hats so people wouldn’t realize what I was doing. I was gonna stop after I came out but then it just kinda turned into my brand.”

“Huh.”

In the other room, there’s vague chirping noises.

“Jives wouldn’t eat hair, right?” Mabel asks.

“I don’t think so.”

The chirping gets overtaken by a hacking noise.

“Jives just tried to eat hair, didn’t he?”

“Yes,” Dipper sighs as he gets the broom. “Yes, he did.”

* * *


	4. The New Mr. Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soos and Melody!

* * *

**Melo Meat Cute**

Melody guess what

The shack got invaded by bears

…

Actually that would be really cool if that happened

But something ALMOST as cool happened!

Az is back in town!

He’s like your boss-dad’s family friend right

Yeah, that guy

He Is Also An Alien

Oh word?

Haha yeah

He’s one of those gem guys

Neat. Aren’t they all girls tho?

Apparently not?

They’re like. Nonbinary femme or something.

Az just lets people pronoun him whatever i think

Sounds like a cool guy

yeah he’s great!

Stayed with us for like a month or two for

Secret Alien Reasons that i probably can’t legally talk abou

Oh god the deep web hitman got you

Don’t worry keyboard just glitched out

But anyway yeah he was really nice

and left me a bunch of random alien junk

to tinker around with

I guess he’s back in town for woodstick

Man i wish i could have gone to woodstick

Too bad my moving date was like

Right before that

Oh yeah!

How’s the move?

Lost my meat cute hat for a few days

But i found it

Crucial gear

Correct

Other than that i didn’t really have alot of stuff?

Didn’t want to crowd up my parents place

Why did you move anyway?

If that’s not weird to ask?

My job was laying me off right as my lease was running out

And it was around the time i visit my parents anyway, so it

tracked

O o f

Which sucks >:(

Gravity falls was great

Well

Y’know my job

Oh you don’t have to try and bully your boss

into a job for me, it’s tine!

*fine

Funny story haha

I’m actually gonna take over the shack in like a few weeks?

Mr. Pines is retiring so i will soon be My Own Boss

That’s really cool!

And also short one employee

So like-

if you’re down

Maybe you could be a co-runner with me?

Is that a job offer, Mr. Mystery?

Perhaps, Ms. Mystery

Then i am totally down to taxidermy mermaids with you

NICE

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soos and melody still met and got together and they are still Cool And Good


	5. And I'd Rather Be Me,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _...with you._

* * *

“Hey,” Greg whispers as he leans over in his seat. “Steven.”

Steven chirps lightly as he squints his eyes open. “ _ Wassit… _ ” He sits up a little more. “Are we there already?”

“We’re just stopped at a gas station,” Greg corrects. “Connie went to go pick up some snacks.”

“Mm.”

“What do you wanna do for your birthday?” Greg starts up again.

“Hmm?”

“Your birthday’s coming up on the 15th,” he gently reminds. “Right when the festival starts.”

Steven blinks with wide eyes. “...Oh.”

“Jeez.” Greg chuckles, softly patting his son’s shoulder. “I guess car rides still take you out, huh?”

Steven doesn’t even bother answering this time, only trilling lightly into Greg’s hand.

“Seriously, though,” Greg starts up again. “Anything you wanna do?”

“I wanna be with you,” Steven smiles tiredly.

“I swear,” Greg sighs as he soothes his son back to sleep, “One of these days you’re gonna make me cry with how sweet you are.”

* * *


	6. No One Here But Robbie And The Tombstones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wendy's morning.

* * *

Wendy could have sworn she woke up at a slightly more reasonable hour than 11AM, but whatever. It’s fine.

It’s fine.

She just wakes up late now. Apparently. It’s fine, it’s summer. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing’s wrong.

It’s normal. 

It’s normal. 

( _ I’m normal- _ )

Fuck. If she’s gonna go down  _ that _ road today, she may as well get out of bed.  _ God. _

There’s a plate on the table. Bacon and french toast, and the ungodly dollop of cream cheese that she likes with it.

She can even actually taste it today. That’s supposed to be a good sign, right?

* * *

**Tombstones**

U up

Lmao yeah just finishing up house stuff

K

Was gonna ask if you wanted to duck out, ngl

You were getting kind of late

What?

Nah man

I wouldn’t do that to thompson

It’s chill if you wanted to pass

Pretty sure he’d make alot of money

Selling a last minute woodstock ticket tbh

Woodstick

Fucking autocorrect

I’m goin i’m goin

You want me to pick you up

(dad’s taking me i’m not driving i swear h a h)

Nah i’m headin out with nate and tambry

Need to check up on the band stuff see if

we’re still good to go

Oh yeah!

Your band’s on the second day right

Youre still robbie v and the tombstones yeah

Dropped the v

Now we’re just robbie and the tombstones

Feels like it flows better

That’s pretty big

The gig i mean

You really down for that?

Haha fuck no

But it’s happening, y’know?

We’re gonna have fun not matter what happens

Oh my god you sound like your mom

Oh god you’re right

I guess i’m like.

Trying to be more positive lately

I guess after everything that’s happened

it feels kind of stupid to be bummed out

over the little shit, kind of

Huh

Good for you, i guess?

So like

How have you been

Haven’t heard much since the basement cult

shit we had to pull a few weeks back

I’m not allowed to drive anymore >:(

At least until i get cleared by the doc

Dad’s been talking about getting me a therapist,

But like

We’d have to find one that knows enough about magic and aliens bullshit

Good luck to that man

Mostly i just wanna get drunk and forget about it for the next four days

Isn’t that bad for your meds???

* * *

Wendy files through the cabinet and takes out a plastic pill bottle still in its grocery bag, fumbling through the stapled paper instructions.

**DIVALPROEX- Daily Dose**

(Seizures, Mania, Manic Depression)

**DO NOT CONSUME WITH ALCOHOL OR CAFFEINE**

* * *

**Tombstones**

It’s cool. I’m not gonna need em :)

* * *


	7. Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel finds her mission.

* * *

“What are _you_ doing here?” Dipper suspiciously asks when Mabel opens the door to the house.

“What are _you_ doing in _Grenda’s_ house?” Mabel fires back.

“Hey Dipper!” Grenda calls out as she enters the hall. “Are you with Thompson?”

“How do you know Thomspon?” Mabel squints at Grenda.

“Oh, he’s my older brother,” Grenda dismissively waves. “Did you know he’s the manager for the movie place here? It’s great, we get employee discounts on snacks.”

“Huh,” Mabel sounds out. “Small world, I guess.”

“Are you here for his Woodstick thing?” Grenda continues as she turns back to Dipper. “He’s in the garage doing snack stuff.”

“O-oh! Okay.” Dipper nervously scuffs his feet on the welcome mat, smoothing his hair as he goes inside.

“Are you seriously wearing a _v-neck?_ ” Mabel whispers behind him as they walk.

Dipper fumbles with his sunglasses as he puts them back on his (currently hatless) head. “I just thought it might look more- y’know- older, I guess,” his voice cracks.

“Alright, alright,” Mabel snarks. “I’ll let you have it.”

“You wear _nachos_ for earrings, Mabel,” Dipper points out. “You don’t get to lecture me on fashion.”

“I’m not here to look good, Dipper,” Mabel soberly intones. “I’m here to look fun. There’s a difference.”

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

=<>=

“What’s up, Nate?” Dipper nods.

“Nothin’ much, man.” Nate gives a passing fist bump to the shorter kid. “Tombstones shit’s all set up for tomorrow so we can kick back t’day.”

“The place isn’t even opened up yet and there’s already _way_ too many promo signs slapped _everywhere_ ,” Robbie drily reports.

Nate snorts. “God, yeah. I saw a sign that had like-” He snickers, gesturing with his hands. “-the fucking blue cow from Dora all colored with glitter and saying _don’t do coke in the bathroom_.”

“His name is Benny, you uncultured swine,” Tambry drawls, not even looking up from her phone.

“Thank you for gracing us, O lady of culture,” Robbie sarcastically praises.

“You're fucking welcome.”

Mabel gasps. “ _Romance_ ,” she whispers.

“What?” Dipper pushes at her shoulder. “Ew! No! Robbie and Tambry are just like that.”

“But _look at them_ ,” Mabel despairs, gesturing to the way the pair jokingly jostles at each other. “They’re like an old married couple!”

“If they had a crush on each other they would have dated by now,” Dipper points out. “They’ve been like that practically all summer.”

“All summer, eh?” Mabel waggles her eyebrows.

“ _Ugh_.”

“Hey, do you guys wanna swing by Greasy's Diner?” Thompson offers. “Gotta get that last snack run before the festival.”

“I’m down,” Dipper responds.

“Ooh! Ooh!” Mabel jumps up and down. “Can me and Candy and Grenda come? We want snacks for our sleepover.”

Thompson shrugs. “I don’t see why not.”

=<>=

“ _Mabel I swear to fuck if you start shipping my friends together I will boil your teeth_ ,” Dipper hisses.

“But they’re _made_ for eachother!” Mabel whines, head bonking against the bar table as she waits for her and her friends orders.

“Some people just don’t pan out, okay?” Dipper glances to Wendy’s table for a moment, red faced, before looking aside. “Trust me, I know.”

“They won’t know unless they try, though!” Mabel insists.

Dipper digs his hands into his brow. “You’d have to force a _love potion_ to get them together, Mabel-”

The diner door bursts open with a shout. “WHO’S READY TO FALL IN LOVE!”

* * *


	8. Thank Me Later!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel has a plan! It's a great plan. Really! Probably.

* * *

Considering the stuff she’s lived through, Mabel shouldn’t be surprised that cupids are real. (Cherubs, the Love God corrects.)

She’s not really sure what to make of him, or what his existence implies.

What she  _ does _ make out is that he’s got love, and  _ lots of it _ .

Literal bottles of it. He could just give her one.

“Nope!” he bluntly refuses, crossing his arms. “Not gonna happen!”

“Come  _ on _ ,” she needles. “Just one!”

Love God slaps his belt. “Ain’t for sale, kid. Love is powerful stuff.” His hands gesture with swirling motions. “This kind of stuff can have major social consequences, you can’t just use it for whatever.”

“You got a snake and a badger together,” Mabel grumbles.

“That’s because I know what I’m doin’, kid.” He taps at his head with a chubby finger. “Thousands of years of matchmaking up in here. I know what works and what doesn’t.”

“And just ‘cuz I’m a kid, I don’t?” Mabel fires back. “That’s not fair!”

“It’s not about  _ being _ fair, kid, it’s about being smart. That’s that.”

Whatever.  _ Whatever. _

Why should she listen to this guy who can’t even share? He doesn’t know her! He doesn’t know Robbie and Tambry,  _ but she does _ .

If she doesn’t do anything, maybe they’ll  _ never _ get together!

(Just let one thing go right. Just let her have  _ one _ summer romance that doesn’t fall apart in her fingers.)

Besides, there’s some kind of music festival going on anyway. What time is he gonna have to matchmake. It’s selfish of him to hoard his stuff if he isn’t even going to use it.

He probably won’t even notice if she takes one.

Just one.

They can thank her later.

* * *


	9. In The Name Of Love!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Or the power of Mabel.)

* * *

“Hey, is it just me, or do Robbie and Tambry seem a little… weird today?” Dipper squints.

“What do you mean?” Lee asks.

“I mean, just-” Dipper gestures vaguely at the two. Robbie and Tambry were walking arm in arm through the cosmetics aisle, laughing and comparing eyeshadow brands and _smiling_.

“That _is_ pretty weird,” Lee concedes. “They’ve never been all smiley like that.”

“They have been hanging out more,” Nate brings up. “Maybe they’re just a thing now?”

“What? No way!” Wendy bursts out. “There’s no way _Robbie_ would be dating _that soon_ after the magic bullshit he and I had to go through, it doesn’t make any sense.” She scoffs. “Besides, him and Tambry don’t even like each other.”

“You think something’s up?”

“If it matters- probably not-” Thompson fiddles with his hands. “I think I saw something weird on their fries when we were at the Diner?”

A pause.

“ _Oh my god, it’s the Love God._ ”

=<>=

Mabel skirts away from the snack aisle where Dipper is.

“Ladies, ladies.” Mabel huddles Candy and Grenda together. “We’ve got an emergency.”

“They do not have the matcha Kit-kat,” Candy gasps.

“My iguana went into a dissociative state and has started committing atrocities,” Grenda solemnly guesses.

“Excellent guesses, but no. Even worse.” Mabel pauses soberly. “The others are trying to break Robbie and Tambry up!”

“ _No_ ,” Candy whispers.

“But they’re so cute together!” Grenda despairs.

“Our friends have made themselves enemies of love,” Mabel gravely intones. “Are we gonna let that happen?”

“Hell no!” The other girls shout.

“Then we stop them in the name of love!”

* * *


	10. Little Gods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg talks love.

* * *

“Eros,” Greg greets neutrally.

“ _ Greg _ ,” the Love God bitterly says back. “I see you’re still single.”

“Widowed, actually.” Greg smooths back his (now much shorter) hair. “Have been for about twenty years now.”

“Oh shit, sorry man.” Eros scratches at his facial hair. “What happened?”

“Childbirth.” Greg shrugs. “I always miss her, but… these things happen, y’know? I’m happy with the time we had.”

“That’s good,” Eros plainly states.

Greg looks back at him, surprised. “Really? I thought you’d be mad I still turned out single.”

Eros shrugs, crunching another fry in his mouth. “Love is fleeting. It changes, it grows, it dies. That’s why it matters.”

Outside the window, Steven catches his eye and waves at him briefly. Greg nods with a smile, leans back, and takes a fry for himself.

“I guess I won’t argue with ya there.”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been helping renovate my grandpa's house for the last several days


	11. What Is This, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's an entire family of crime.

* * *

Really, the important thing to remember is that the Pines are criminals.

All of them.  _ Yes, _ all of them. Even the nice ones.

_ Especially _ the nice ones.

(It’s the hair sprig sticking up in the back of their head- It’s evil. That’s gotta be it. That’s the only thing they  _ all  _ have in common.)

So when a certain Mabel Pines impulsively decides that she and her friends rather need to get inside a very expensive public event  _ right this second _ , her first thought isn’t exactly going to be looking for last minute tickets.

That’s for perfectly reasonable, law abiding citizens. (Basic ass bitches.)

No, her first thought is  _ Grunkle Stan’s wire cutters are in the golf cart. _

Of course, he wasn’t stupid, Stan Pines. ( _ Either _ Stan Pines. They were both a different brand of mad genius- a master criminal and a game master.) So, when he heard the lockbox in the golf cart squeal open, he went to go check.

Somehow, he wasn’t surprised to see his great-niece rummaging through it, crowbar sitting beside her. 

“Whatcha doin’ there, kid?”

“I’m gonna disrupt a public event for my own fleeting self gain!” Mabel brightly smiles.

“Oh, okay. Which event?”

“We’re going to Woodstick!” Grenda cheerfully shouts. “PARTYYYY!”

Candy ominously brandishes her scissors. “I’m going to destroy so many designer tie dye shirts. It’s what they deserve for costing so much.”

(Well, good to know that Mabel has been such a good influence on her friends. Yes. Definitely. Absolutely.)

“Well, girls, a little secret from me to you,” Stan supplies. “Work  _ smarter _ , not harder. There’s an easier way to get in, y’know.”

“How’s that?” Mabel asks, eyes bright with the possibility of crime.

“Y’know how there’s the balloon thingamajig happening during the festival? Guess what your Grunkle’s making.”

Candy gasps. “Secret balloon.”

“IT AIN’T GONNA BE A SECRET BY THE TIME  _ I’M _ THROUGH WITH THIS MONSTROSITY!” Old Man McGucket yells from over by the side of the shack. “ _ Wait, where did I put the blow torch again? _ ”

“Sorry about that,” Ford apologizes as he comes back from inside. Was that smoke coming from his face? “I use fire to shave.” With one swift motion, he tosses the blowtorch back to his friend. “There you go.”

“AHHHHHH!” Mabel finally shrieks in ear-splitting excitement, the few quiet moments of buildup now over. “I’MMA JUMP FROM A BALLOON!!”

“That’s the spirit!” Stan barks out with a laugh. “Now, how much do you love your Grunkle, sweetie?”

“Eh.” Mabel sarcastically shrugs. “At least a solid seven out of ten.”

“Better than most of my reviews!” He quips.

He whips around, dropping to the ground and digging underneath the porch. After a moment, he pulls out a few small, black backpacks with odd zippers. 

“If anyone asks, you found them in the woods. Our balloon will pass over Woodstick at around ten minutes in, so you could just-” He snickers briefly. “- _ drop in _ .”

“Where do you even get all this stuff?” Mabel wonders.

“Through completely legal means that you cannot question in a court of law,” Stan vaguely answers. He stands up straight with his hands on his hips. “Now, enough about me.  _ Behold- me! _ ”

The balloon is horrific, in a word. The kind of thing that could probably pass for a Picasso. Like the Summerween Trickster and Stan’s face had a baby. The stuff of nightmares.

Complete with Stan’s iconic fez, which somehow managed to be the one photogenic thing on the entire abomination.

(And also an  _ I <3 KIDS _ ribbon. For… some reason.)

“Just for the record,” Ford finally comments as he pats the basket with a pointed look back at his twin, “this is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. And I have literally seen dimensions beyond human comprehension.”

“Hey!” Stan cries out with offense. “That’s my face you’re talking about!” He blinks. “And also your face. Because we have identical faces.”

“Exactly,” Ford snarks with a hollow look in his eyes. “The fact that there’s two of this face in the universe is the  _ real  _ proof that there is no God.”

“ _ I thought you loved me _ ,” Stan calls out with mock despair.

“Anyway, y’all can get on in!” McGucket cheerfully replies.

“What did you need a blowtorch for with a hot air balloon?” Candy asks as they all get inside.

“It’s a surprise tool that will help us later!”

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (don't worry this fic isn't dead i swear)


	12. Catch Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Tony was there.

* * *

**Don’t look at my DMs stardust**

So! I hear you’re at Woodstick.

Mm how did you find out That secret information

Did i tell you that while i was drunk

If you were, you sounded very convincingly sober!

Then again, the hour was rather late for New York.

And yet you answered

You know full well I don’t take your human sleep.

You’re an enabler is what you are

I swear it’s your fault i keep staying up at bed o clock with

these random talks

JARVIS tells me your sleep schedule’s actually

managed to improve, since we’ve met!

It’s very sweet to know. :)

Ew no don’t listen to JARVIS all he knows is lies

[I DO TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT, SIR. I AM INCAPABLE OF DISHONESTY.]

Oh, to be able to delete text messages

But you are actually at the festival, are you?

Last i checked, yeah

Yes, I thought you might!

There is that charming little mansion party

happening shortly after, I hear you were invited.

Oh god the fucking

Northwest™ Fest™

Can’t fucking stand them haha

Haven’t bothered for a few years now, might

just ditch again this year

Well mercy me! Isn’t that a shame.

I happened to be invited myself. It would have been

nice to see a friend there.

You’re friends with everyone, hun

Oh, not at all. :)

Well That wasn’t an ominous response

I don’t really know how humans Operate at parties,

I suppose I’ll have to bother my wife about that.

Oh my god no your poor wife

Rich people etiquette is so fucking impossible

I swear i’ll give you pointers just don’t make me show up

But then who would I introduce my lovely extra guests to?

I found these very interesting scientists who managed

to create a functioning interdimensional portal around 30 years

before SHIELD ever tried.

One of whom appears to be the backbone designer of the founding principles

of personal computers. :)

Human technology is very interesting!

The portal talk freaks me out but HOLY SHIT YOU FOUND A PRE-STEVE JOBS?

I understand some of those words individually!

Ok fuck it i’m going

I’ll need to buy a suit like Right This Second but holy shit

I am so down to destroy steve job’s legacy with this mystery man

Oh? Lovely!

We can meet up at the festival beforehand

and catch up.

I’m pretty sure you see me at Least every other week with all

the impending trial bullshit, there’s not much to catch up on

Well, yes.

But I feel like we’ve rarely ever properly talked!

You seem like a cool guy and I’d like to know you better

outside of all that work stress.

huh

guess that’s a date then

Goodbye for now, then! :)

Wait

Hold up

Oh my god

You’re at woodstick

did you hide your passion for weird music from me How Could You

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos, comments, critique, and unsolicited professional mourners equally welcome.  
> This series now has a dedicated written timeline for the curious in the series companion guide, which is the last "fic" listed in the series page.
> 
> Join the Discord server for draft bits, behind the scenes nonsense, yearning questions of my questionable literary choices, and future stories.
> 
> https://discord.gg/xdhnqKj


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